This is Sophie, our indoor cat and Spike, or Wizzer Bean, our Chihuahua.
Every time I write I have this mini panic session about what people will think about the post. Will they think I don't love my kids b/c I write about my animals? And then I think, this is about animals and God, not my family. And I write.
I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 about three years ago. Basically it means that I have a chemical inbalance in my brain that causes me to either be REAL HAPPY and active, or REAL SAD and in the bed. If you want a more scientific explanation, go to WebMd and look up Bipolar 2. I tried to copy and paste the link, but for some reason, it isn't working.
This illness of the brain can be treated with medicine- but it is a constant guessing game- in other words, a certain medicine may work for a while and then it may stop working. I have been through all phases of this lovely disorder. I have been manic, talking everyone's ears off and not able to shut up, wildly creative, having unending energy and able to take on the world. I have been depressed, so depressed that I didn't want to live anymore- in a never ending black hole that swallows a person up and there seems to be no answer to the hours long crying spells, feeling of hopelessness, and massive doses of guilt for everything that seems to be my fault. Often during these spells, I am angry at the world and I tell everyone. I have thankfully learned to stay off the phone or computer when I am in a depressed and angry state b/c the feelings I am having are temporary but the damage I do to other people is not. I have also been in the numb and dead place. This is the place that many meds put you- in a world where everything is grey- there is no happy, no sad, no feelings about most anything- it's like being in a coma- you are alive, but you are not fully present. You go through the motions of life but you feel tired, uninspired, and just emotionally dead. I am coming out of a nine to 12 month emotional coma now. You don't know you are in a coma until you wake up and realize how much of your life has gone by and you don't remember it and for me, I think, " Where in the hell have I been?" You realize that you have missed a year's worth of birthdays and anniversaries of your neices, nephews, and other people that you love. (Even in my coma state, our kids' birthdays and immediate family's birthdays are celebrated b/c it doesn't require a trip to the post office!???) And I go into a frenzy of cleaning, decluttering, and trying to regain some sense of balance. I overcompensate to try to make up for the time I lost and feel even more guilty that I "let" myself stay in the coma. That is ridiculous thinking, but, it is is how one feels.
My husband and children are amazing through all of these crazy waves. My husband is calm and steady and patient. My kids know that I am either crazy happy or I am crying and need to sleep off the depression, and when I awake, I will be myself again. (Whoever that is!) They know that I am always doing the best I can and that I love them all fiercely. To live in this family means we are much more open about our feeling than most families are- b/c we can't just hide Mom in a room and pretend she's ok when she's not. They have great social lives, and I don't let my disorder get in the way of that. Kids come here, they go to other kids' houses, they participate in church activities, etc. I actually have "normal " friends with kids and they tell me they wish they had my ability to let a bunch of girls come over all the time but their nerves can'[t handle the mess, the noise, the chaos. They feel guilty b/c their kids never have sleepovers or have friends come over en masse. We all feel bad about something, don't we??
My saving grace on my really bad days is my animals and God. God uses these little creatures to show me that I am never alone and that he hasn't forgotten about my bruised and hurting heart and mind. For some bizarre reason, all of my animals love me in a very intense way. They crave my attention and touch. Even my cats are like this, and people who come over comment on it all the time. When I am having my worst day and have to " put myself to sleeep"(take a sleeping pill to sleep for a few hours) to keep the dark thought away, my animals are SO CONCERNED. I will lie in bed and Sophie will insist on getting as close as she can to me, and will literally put her paw and touch my face, over and over. She has never scratched my face and when she is content that I am ok, (when my sobbing stops and my breathing is regular again) she will curl up next to my stomach as close as she can get. My chihuahua is the same way. Spike and Sophie are great friends- they are about the same size (5 lbs) and they spend hours wrestling on my bed. Yes, a cat and a dog. When they are finished playing, Spike goes under the covers next to my stomach and Sophie lies on top of him with the covers in between their two warm little bodies. As I try to calm myself and let sleep come, the feeling of them both pressed up against me is like a balm to my soul.
It is like God is using those animals to physically touch me and say, " I am HERE!!!" They have no alterior motive for being there- the bed is shaking and my pillow is wet and yet they stay.
On my good days, I derive so much comfort from the smell and feel of my little horses. They are horses completely, except for their size. I breathe in the lovely scent of them- a mixture of hay, warmth, and horsie smell (I know horse people know what I am talking about). And they nuzzle me and I think, " This is so worth the bad days.". My dogs and cats are so HAPPY when I am happy- they seem to understand that " Mama is back". And even if I have been in an emotional coma for months and haven't given them the physical and emotional attention that they crave, they are never peevish with me. They are just happy to see me again and they rejoice in my elevated mood. Now, please know that even when I am down and out, my animals are always fed twice a day and have clean water and beds. What they miss is my spending time with them and showering them with affection. Sometimes I think that means more to them than the food.
Why all the fuss about the animals and not people? Because I don't relate well to people when I am very depressed, and I overwhelm most people when I am manic. When I am emotionally dead, I don't communicate with people outside my family AT ALL. A bit confusing for the average human, but the animals seem to "get it". Since I can hurt other people with my words when I am depressed or angry, I have learned to retreat when I am down, to keep from saying or writing something mean or angry to another person. When I am manic, I am so busy catching up that I don't feel like I have time to talk and when I do, I unknowingly dominate the conversation b/c I feel like a coke can that has been shaken and the top taken off- months of news and emotion come flying out and I cannot shut up. This doesn't mean I don't care about the other person at all- if anything, I am overly empathetic- I feel other people's joys and sadnesses like they are my own, usually. (That gets real complicated when I try to help friends that are hurting in their own lives and do an amazing job when I am manic and then have to say, " OK, I can't handle your issues anymore b/c I am feeling suicidal, so I have to sleep." because my mood shifts. ) HUH?:??? People just DO NOT UNDERSTAND and they can't, because I live it and I don't understand it. My family on both sides and all of my friends are amazingly loving and patient with me and I am so grateful for that. It must be bewildering to not know "which Anne" you are getting. I find that if I am having a bad day, I won't answer my phone b/c I don't want to hurt anyone or feel guilty b/c I feel like a "negative Nellie", which I am not unless I am depressed, and then I am NOTHING BUT NEGATIVE. And I honestly cannot help it, and people say things to try and swing me toward positive, but it won't work b/c the chemicals in my brain are messed up and my brain honestly tells me that everything is bad, worthless, and how can everyone not understand that? When I am happy, you CANNOT GET ME DOWN. :0 Music makes me joyous, poems make sense, life seems like this wonderful grand affair and I cannot remember why I was ever depressed to begin with. The only humans who truly get it are my friends with depression or bipolar, which becomes amusing b/c we make jokes about each other and will often text things like, " I am in the cave, how are you ?" " I am having an amazing week, are you out of the bed yet?" I do have several " normal" friends who love me no matter which one I am and to those friends, I am deeply indebted.
I think most believers in God are programmed to believe that God will always use people to minister to us, or scripture, or a sermon, or something along those lines. Don't get me wrong, my immediate family and extended family bless me immensely- my friends help me feel less crazy. And God does use His word to comfort me. But there is something very unique about an animal touching your face over and over with her paw that just SCREAMS, " I LOVE YOU!!! DON"T GIVE UP!" And I know that the message is not from my cat, but from God, who created her. When you pray for God to give you a sign to hang on for one more day and a 36 lb soft shelled turtle appears in your driveway 30 minutes later, it might as well be a billboard. I used to be shocked and now I just say, " Thanks, God, I hear ya!" And I get my bewildered family to help me move the beast (after weighing it) to the swamp behind our home.
The last little dear creature God used in my life was Herbert. I will write about him next time. It is truly an amazing story and I have to say, even Herbert's little billboard shocked me. :)
