Monday, February 16, 2009

Taking applications for anyone who wants to take over my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome! Qualifications below

Note to readers- I am pretty much in remission from CFS now and lead a pretty normal life except for occasional "crashes"- meaning I will overdo it one day and spend the next day in bed. Many of these symptoms were the ones I experienced in the first two years of having the illness. I am a very happy and busy woman now, but occasionally I do get FED UP with being tired after doing some ordinary thing like washing the dogs. :)

Well, it's been 15 years of having this disease and last night I decided I've HAD IT. I am taking applications for the next person to take this ailment and leave me free of it forever. There are many qualifications, so before you fill out the application, please read over what it takes to own this disease.

1. You must be able to quit your job in moment's notice. Note, having money in savings is a must or you must not be the bread winner in your family.

2. You must be very patient and able to tolerate huge amounts of pain. If you cannot deal with joint pain, constant headaches, sore throats, and sore lymph nodes, stop reading now.

3. You must give up your right to lift anything over 2 pounds on some days - you will need two hands to put milk in the refrigerator, will not be able to take clothes out of the washing machine, or drive a car that has a stiff steering wheel. You will not be able to hold a blow dryer above your head for more than 5 minutes, so short hair is a must. (Plus the fact that short hair doesn't look as dirty and greasy after lying in bed for 3 days straight as long hair does.)

4. You cannot be one of those "I won't take medicine for any reasons!" people. You must be willing to swallow any pills that your doctor tries on you, as well as have the ability to swallow $100's of dollars worth of supplements, some of which are as big as your thumb. Clear out two cabinets for the massive amounts of natural herbs, seaweed tablets, vitamins with extra b-complex, colostrum, and prescriptive pills you WILL BE TRYING. Most of them won't do a damn bit of good and you'll eventually throw them out, but you must try and try you will and you will try with a good attitude, always.

5. You must love your bed more than anything else in your life. You will be spending a lot of time there. On any given day you may sleep up to 17 hours. Your sleep will be non restorative and you will sweat through 4 or 5 changes of clothes a night, so keep a stack of clothes next to the bed and be prepared to wash alot of wet clothes and sheets. Doubling up on pillowcases is a must. Layering towels underneath you is always helpful so that you don't have to wash wet sheets every day.

6. Be prepared to lose at least 15 IQ points. This is called "brain fog"- it will render you helpless to complete sentences, will have you calling family members to tell you how to get home from WalMart, and cause you to have a panic attack in the grocery store as suddenly you have no idea where you are and why you are there. This will come and go with no warning. You will be reduced to calling spoons, " the thing that you eat soup with", and looking at the dishwasher and asking your spouse, "What goes in there to wash it again?" You must get over it and stop crying at the fact that you feel like someone with brain damage, because you ARE someone with brain damage and the MRI proves it.

7. You must be capable of seeing at least 15 doctors, many of whom will suggest that you are depressed or going through menopause at 30. You must be able to muster up the guts to ask the receptionist, " Is there someplace back there where I can lie down, because I can't sit up?" You cannot be discouraged when you have to wait more than an hour to have your blood drawn and you will teach yourself to love needles. You will teach your children to never fear needles or having blood drawn. You will be willing to humble yourself to call someone to pick you up from the doctor because in the hour and a 1/ 2 that you waited, your hands and arms have become numb and driving would now be dangerous.

8. Get used to saying the words, " I cannot make it tonight." You will be saying that alot- as well as "I won't be able to keep that appointment", and "Sorry, Mommy cannot go on the field trip-it's too much walking for me." Get a tough skin about people staring at you as you sit against a wall in Walmart while your spouse shops. Better yet, get a stadium seat and carry it to all malls with you in the event that there is no bench to sit on and then ignore people's glances. Become familiar with the feeling of losing your breath - a trip from the bed to the bathroom will cause it and climbing stairs will be almost impossible, for the exertion will make you sit at the top of the stairs for five minutes before being able to get your breath.

9. Be prepared to either lose or gain tremendous amounts of weight, and instill in yourself an iron will that even though you would rather peuke than eat, you will pour mustard on a slice of turkey and swallow it whole because your body NEEDS PROTEIN. Remember the tricks of your youth with downing foods that you hate because all food will become repulsive to you when you are most sick, but you must eat or you will get weaker. Cereals and sweet foods will be all you want to eat, but you will resist eating them as you know that they will make you sicker, so you force down spinach salads and McDonald's cheeseburgers because your body can only fight with strong soldiers in your body.

10. Make sure you have married someone who is patient, understanding, willing to pull more than their fair share, ready to believe your unbelievable symptoms, and go alone to many family functions. This person will be the closest to God you will ever get in your life and their love will keep you going on days that you want to give up. The love of this person and their encouragement will allow you to stop stressing and rest.

11. Last of all, get to know God really well. His word and his presence will be the only thing that will keep you from killing yourself on some days. You will spend hours begging him for pain relief and sleep. His promise of healing will be a promise that you cling to night and day. You will spend so many hours in bed that you will learn to pray for everyone you know constantly.

Now, do I have any takers??? Thought not.

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